Life is hard.

(In full rawness and all the run on sentences....good glory..the run on sentences! HA! But I shall not edit! HA! :) Also I am NOT comparing pain we go through being anywhere near the pain of the crucifixion of Jesus---just that in this moment I experienced a compassionate Father letting me know He grieves the pain His children endure and He does understand.)

Life is hard. And God is good.

Not BUT God is good.

The BUT somehow tries to convey that life isn’t that hard because of God’s goodness.

I mean your going through abandonment, betrayal, cancer, loosing a child to x, y, z, and at the end you stand and say BUT GOD IS GOOD! As if it this statement alone is so powerful that it takes away, negates the pain, the gut-wrenching sorrow.

There is pain that is slowly taking your breath one blow at a time sometimes over and over and over again….at moments you are allowed to come up for air…sometimes regroup long enough to revel in His goodness and you are in awe at His sustaining ability to keep you alive bc you were pretty certain that the end was near-ish.

How much more can this world take?

How much longer can we wait…in the now and the not yet?

Surely He has to come soon bc the pain and the suffering and the pits and despair, the disease, the disorders, the infections, the selfishness, the greed, the lust, the marriages that are crashing into the abys, the abandonment of people, the orphans left to die, the life of children being snuffed out in the womb not dubbed valuable enough to be granted access to oxygen!

And on and on and on and on and on and on and on. Surely this has to end. Soon.

Is there beauty from ashes? yes

Is He working all things out for good? yes  

Are there moments that catch me, and calm me, and deliver and unnatural inhale and exhale it’s going to be ok? Yes

Are those moments beautiful? A resounding YES!

 Do I drink those moments in, lap it up, to fast at times bc my soul, my core feels so desperate, so parched, and I just need a drop, a moment of reprieve so when it comes there is no time to enjoy it-I destroy it.

I drink it in and plead “BE STILL MY SOUL and know that HE is God.”

How can I be still? I got a drop of H2O on my tongue and I need gallons… to be released…..yesterday!

God I got a taste. Taste and know that He is good. I tasted…I know! Please make the pain go away!

Life is hard AND He is good.

NOT

Life is hard BUT He is good.

Seemingly we want the BUT to take away the hard. We let it roll off our lips as if we are going to convince ourselves and all those around us that this hard is not that hard. And we grasp for a perspective…..is life really hard? Are these not all first world problems?

And we know that we know that we know that somewhere in the world someone is experiencing, walking through, carrying things that are harder than we even have words to describe the pain!

We know this!

God is good but pain is not nullified.

Life is hard AND God is good!!!!

Your pain, my pain, his pain, her pain, one person’s pain is not less painful bc somewhere someone is going through something that we would put on a sliding scale as more painful.

If you loose a leg at the same time that I hit my knee and gash it open…OUCH!

No one looks at the person with the gnarly, gashed blood gushing knee and says “well at least you didn’t loose your leg!?”

And yes this is physical pain…but oh so often do we do this with emotional/mental pain.

Whether we are desperately trying to encourage others or desperately trying to convince ourselves ….It’s not that bad bc people are dealing with worse.

Life is hard BUT God is good.

It’s not that bad bc I haven’t been asked to walk that road over there!

Life is hard BUT God is good.

It’s not that bad bc look at all the things I get to enjoy in the midst.

Life is hard BUT God is good.

Every fiber in my being lately has been screaming Life is hard AND God is good. Period.

We cannot add the BUT God is good as if the pain is not real.

We cannot add the BUT God is good as if we do not feel what we feel.

We cannot add the BUT God is good as if this world was not and is not shattered and scattered!

Yes He is good! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes a thousand times YES …HE…IS…..GOOD!

And life is hard.  

We were banished from the garden. Perfect communion was obliterated! There was a desertion.  Man sat with His God in perfect harmony, perfect peace, perfect relationship and reveled in His creator.

Until..he didn’t.

It was so so so good…until it wasn’t.

And now we live in that place of Life is Hard. Period.

And we rest in that place of God is good. There is no but.

Make it end.

Make it stop.

My heart aches navigating my own pain, sitting with people, aching with people and disastrous situation after situation-some that they have created themselves-some that they have been forced into-thrown into by others.

And its hard!!!

There is physically/emotionally/ and mental exhaustion on all fronts. 

Make it stop I beg you.

This has to stop.

The abuse, the searching for answers and no one is seemingly coming to the rescue or just offering aid/relief, the physical decaying of these damaged bodies seen in diseases, disorders, cancers, immune dysfunction, the mental sicknesses that is consuming and devouring so many.

Make it stop.

The marriages abandoned, the families incinerated, the longing, the suffering, the agony, the afflictions,  the discomfort, the sadness, the heartache, the stab, the labor, the strain, the striving.

Make it stop!

So much pain.

He grabs me by my shoulders-pretty firm but not angry-not even frustrated-stands me up slowly as I was on the ground pleading and He turns me around…and before me…Jesus.

Life is hard AND God is good.

Jesus before me on the cross.

The physically painful, mentally excruciating, humiliating, death on the cross.

God holds my shoulders tight but doesn’t say anything and I immediately feel like I’m just a "whiner."

Look at that. Look at that pain. And here…here I am laying all these things before the Lord and calling this pain and this pain and this pain….here I am.

I immediately start to retract all that my heart had felt and all that my soul had bore raw and bear before Him and surely all that I have just mistaken for pain isn’t really all that hard.

All that I think is pain I describe as pain bc my mind is so small…life is hard but God is good..surely that is the order that is supposed to be in.

Look at what He did.

His goodness does negate that life is hard.

His goodness does take it away.

His goodness does make this not as painful as it feels in the fiber of my being.

And when I finally grow quiet and stop confessing and repenting from calling these obviously trivial things painful….”I’m so sorry for calling this pain. I’m so sorry for calling life hard. It’s not that bad. You are good.”  The grip grows firmer on my shoulders as if I am missing something……

I look at the cross and Jesus bleeding, abandoned, a soul that was crying out hours before to His Father to not walk this road.

“Please make it stop…make another way. There is going to be so much pain and I’m asking for you to take this. Remove this. Find another way.”

And yet there He is. Excruciating pain. Vanquished. Abandoned.

I see this, realize this, I am convicted about this and start to confess my wrong view again and my sorrow bc THAT IS PAIN and THAT IS HARD!…..

”God I am so sorry…Life is hard....BUT”……and as I am just about to let BUT YOUR GOOD trickle off my lips again….the firm grip gets even a little more tight.....I am silenced. 

His response ……there was no angry correction, no frustration with my small mind, no flaming accusations....a compassionate....heartaching....quiet.....

 I know.

Through it all........

In frenzy of what has been a crazy couple of days....yesterday I just had this extremely unsettled feeling. Like that yucky unsettled feeling. You know you just know something isn't right and you will do whatever it takes to make it go away?

So what do I do?  What I do so many days....Try the best I can to look at one task in front of me at a time and think once all these things are checked off of my "to do" list for the day this unsettled feeling will go away. I will work on things I can change. Things I can accomplish. Everything else just let it go. Just gotta get this stuff accomplished. Off we go. Gotta get to the Drs office to get a prescription bc they won't just call it in. 2 kids in tow one with the broken arm (and he's not thrilled to not be on the couch watching movies.) I get to the Drs office greeted with a sign "closed for lunch." Story of my life people! "Of course you are closed for an hour and 20min for lunch and I just need a piece of paper! And of course your office is totally on the opposite side of town from everything else I have to do today! Ahhhhh!!!!!!" Load kids back in car. 

Head to Target to get together the lego basket for kids school and auction. I remember that I have to drop back by the house and grab a Rodan Fields donated basket (thanks Jessica Watts) also for auction. And grab the 25 raffle tickets that have been sold and still need names and numbers on all of them. Get all this, back in car, get on the other side of town, like way away from Target and my brain clicks in "where are you going!!??" Ahh!!!!!! I'm supposed to be going to Target! 

Get the car going in the right direction and song enters my mind...."through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you, through it all, through it all, it is well. Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you, it is well....with me." 

And my stubborn argument with HIM begins..."Is it!!!!!? (He is very patient with me) Is it well God!!!!? Bc????!!????? Are my eyes on you!?  Bc????? I mean God I want them to be on you...BUT....my eyes don't even know where I am or where I'm supposed to be going!!!??? I can't flipping get across town!? Jesus, I'm pretty sure my brain is just telling me...Drive!! Run away! Just drive and don't look back!!!" We laugh. (Or at least I imagine He laughs at me....bc I'm def laughing at my inability to get to the right side of town!) I mean seriously..should I be allowed to drive people around in my car!??  

But alas...I start to sing....like literally ask my kids....I kept singing that chorus all day...asking Him to make it my prayer, to change my heart.  "Help me know it and feel it and may it do away with this unsettled feeling despite my to do list today." 

"Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you. Through it all, through it all...it is well. Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you, it is well, with....me." 

I'm happy to report I made it to Target!! Took me a sec to remember what I had come there for but that's just bc it's Target! I mean let's be real. "Oh! That's a cute dress! Ah! Those boots...yyyeeeaaasss!" Oh! Right! Lego Basket. Ok...lego Basket, lego Basket. 

"Through it all, through it all my eyes are on you. Through it all, through it all...it is well. Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you, it is well, with....me." 

Now where is a flipping basket big enough for these Lego's! 

Phone rings. Sweet sweet lady and friend on the other end Evie Plot: "Terri what can I do for you? Is there anything, any small thing that I can do for you?" I start to offer all my thank you's and I was so grateful for just the call. This is totally what kind of community I am surrounded by! I am so lucky that this phone call is not out of the ordinary for my community at Crosspoint Community Church. It's just who we are. It's just who the people are. We are family. I was standing in Target all crazy and feeling so lucky that my phone rings with people on the other end like this! And I also at the same time KNOW I could have picked up my phone and called a ton of people and asked them to help me that day and I would have received help! Just ah-mazing! Not everyone has that. And I LOVE MY COMMUNITY/FAMILY!

After saying thank you and feeling so grateful I start laughing (He is very, very patient with me! :)) I told Evie "I am sure there is something but if I could only get one step far enough
 ahead of myself to only be able to see what I need to even tell you????" I told her about my
car trying to get to Target and ending up on the wrong side of town! "So I just don't know...but thank you!" Hang up.

"Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you. Through it all, through it all.... it is well. Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you...it is well, with....me." 

Retrieve basket. It's time to retrieve other kiddos from school. I start to drive to school to pick up kid A. Ok...in my car I have lego basket put together and ready..check. I have bag of 25 auction tickets filled out and ready to turn in...check. I have donor basket...check. Ok just need to get kids. 

"AHHHHH!!! And then I have to go back across town and get the prescription! AHHHH!!!!"

No! Wait! EVIE!! Sent text. DONE! Amazing! Amazing people! I tell ya! UNREAL!!! THank you Jesus! 

"Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you. Through it all, through it all...it is well. Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you...it is well, with....me."

So I retrieve both kiddos, drop everything off. DONE! I'm done. Still feel unsettled. 

Go for a run. 

Husband has to go out the door for a meeting. So i pull out dinner, baths, and bedtime flying solo. Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you. 

"Through it all, through it all my eyes are on you. Through it all, through it all it is well. Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you, through it all though it all it is well, with....me." 

Running plans for my clients! That's what it is! I gotta get those done as soon as the kiddos are asleep. Ok no worries, I always do them at night though?? So wonder why that is making me so unsettled. We will tackle that and this yucky unsettled feeling will stop for today. 

Running plans completed. 

Still unsettled. UGH! 

"God, what is it!!?? I am trying. I AM TRYING! guess it's just all the emotions of what has been "lately" and I guess there's a lot going on that I can't change so this is what is for now. 

Exhausted as I lay down and one more prayer for the day...

"Through it all, through it all my eyes are on you. Through it all, through it all it is well. Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you, through it all though it all it is well, with....me." 

Woken up at 4am....3yr old with a cast on his arm....one of the sweetest voices in the world...but I am oh! I AM SOOOOO EXHAUSTED!! 

"mommy make the itchy stop!" "Oh! buddy I can't make the itchy stop." 

Stumble to the kitchen and get the bottle brush (don't judge)..throw the 3yr old (ok not really throw....I mean his arm is broken), gently lay the 3yr old boy in my bed, give him medicine for the mild fever that he has had the past 3 nights from the shock of the fracture, and proceed to scratch under the cast with the bottle brush. I am so tired! So so tired. Conscious enough now at this point to remember that I still feel so yucky unsettled and decided the unsettle is just pure exhaustion and for now it is what it is. 

Place 3yr old back in his bed praying that medicine kicks in long enough for the itchy to stop. Stumble back to bed and start to doze off. 

And there in the stillness of the night...in my almost back asleep..there it is...that still small voice. "NO, TERRI.....I was singing that to YOU!

"THROUGH IT ALL, THROUGH IT ALL MY EYES ARE ON YOU!!!
THROUGH IT ALL, THROUGH IT ALL
IT IS WELL!
THROUGH IT ALL, THROUGH IT ALL,
MY EYES ARE ON YOU.......
IT IS WELL.....
WITH YOU!"

What a sweet sweet sweet intimate Father!!!!? I mean, what a sweetness!!! My circumstances did not change. I still have a sandy brown hair, deep dark brown eyed three year old upstairs with a broken arm. The to do list in a few hours will start to add up as the sun rises and a new day begins. I am still tired. Life is still hard. Emotions are still raw. There are things I still cannot change. BUT there is a difference that came in the wee hours of the morning. HE SPOKE in that still, quite, intimate and gentle way a Father does..... 

"Through it all through it all my eyes are on YOU. Through it all through it all IT IS WELL. Through it all through it all my eyes are on you. it is well with YOU!"

 And just like that...the unsettled yuckiness is no more. Just a silent whispered deep breath in, deep breath out response from me "Ahhhh!!!! I get it now! WOW! Just WOW! YOUR eyes are on ME. It is well with me indeed. What a good good FATHER!"  

REST!!??

So during my daily time in the word tonight and writing in my journal I was overwhelmed with this burden of..."God, I have no idea how to rest in you??" I have so much on my mind....so many things I am doing...so many things I want to be...so many things I want to become...so many things I want to take care of.....and with all this rolling around in my wonderful little head :)...tonight was the night that I just stopped and thought...."I truly have no idea how to lay all of these hopes, desires, concerns, visions, and aspirations down and just rest!

This began to trouble me because I thought-- if I am being completely honest with myself this is totally a reflection of a lack of faith in my Father!! And I wanted to fight this realization because I thought "of course I have faith in God!" I know that I am nothing without HIM...I know that I can do nothing on my own and I NEED His guiding and loving hand to give me strength, discipline, and unconditional love! But I do not REST in Him (and I so desperately need rest) and I know that He can give it to me so..why do I not do this and how do I go about finding this peace??

I felt God saying you need to spend more time with me! And again I have to be totally honest...my response..."God sometimes that just feels like another thing on my to-do list!" I know...sounds terrible! At the end of the day things have just piled up and piled up and I am carry all these things around! I have strive to do my best and live every moment of the day to the fullest (working unto the Lord not unto man). Than 8:00pm comes...finally things are quiet...the kids are asleep...I fall down feeling slightly overwhelmed but confident that today was another successful and productive day but I begin to analyze- Did I do everything I should have done for that person? Did my children get enough attention? Oh, yeah I forgot to do that and catch up on that? And before I even relax the to-do list for tomorrow has already begun!! And God wants me to just spend time with Him??? My assignments for the day are not done yet? All my duties have not been fulfilled yet? My check list still has one thing left to be marked completed? REALLY?? I can't take it!!! I just need to lay all this...STUFF... down somewhere and REST!!!!!!!

To find this peace God must not become part of a check list! He must not become something to accomplish! He must not become a duty to fulfill! He has to be the beginning! He has to be everything! We must relish in His company! We must meditate on His righteousness! We must bask in His splendor! We must sit at his feet and just REST!

Can you imagine what kind of reaction I would get from my husband if I told him "I do not feel like spending time with you because my plate is so full that it is just another thing for me to do!!??" WOW!! Talk about rejection! That is saying all these other "things" are more important than you. All these other "things" are occupying my time, attention, and affection and I just cannot possibly squeeze another thing onto the schedule for today! I know that I am failing you and I know that I should just sit and be with you but maybe when things calm down we can get to that?? Rejection-rejection-rejection!

God forgive me for doing this! Continue to renew my mind and heart-- change me from the inside out--Give me REST...and he ever so gently responds......."I forgive you my child now...... Be still and KNOW that I AM GOD!!!!!"

I was posting stuff in Hindi!!!

Yep...that's right!! I started this blog and somehow I had set up my settings to enable what I typed to be translated from English to Hindi!!! HILARIOUS!!! Probably not funny to you but when I started frieking out and my husband comes over to simply change the settings and it said from English to Hindi... I lost it!!!:) I am not that techno challenged but he is still picking on me as I type this!! Hold on let me tell him to shut up....ok that is better.:) (as he continues to laugh under his breath)

So I am 28 today!!! Not really sure how I feel about that...haven't thought a whole lot about it. Today like most days has been full and busy not much time to slow down and actually do that thinking thing...until now. So I guess as I sit here and type- all I can think about is..."how did I get so lucky?" I got tons of phone calls today, tons of messages on facebook, and several text messages wishing me a Happy Birthday! Each person means so much to me!! Some of the relationships with people have just begun...some are long time friends-practically from the womb...there are those that you could say we "used" to be really close but time, circumstances, and just life has led us to drift apart!! But each person just reminded me I am so surrounded by people from all walks of my life that have influenced me...loved me unconditionally...challenged me...encouraged me...celebrated with me...and when times called for it cried with me (or they just let me blubber like an idiot)!! :)

God is amazing and He has so blessed me with the best 28 years a girl could ask for! Even in the things that caused pain and even when things were stripped away...my life is marvelous!! And I owe it all to my creator!! I pray that everyday I will become more and more what I was created to be...and that I will learn to lay down my life for the cause of Christ in all situations...and in all circumstances!! I pray that He will make much of himself through me!!! If I drew my last breath tomorrow...I have so richly been blessed beyond measure!!

Half-Marathon!!

May 16, 2010 ran my first half marathon in Cary, NC!!! I had been training for 4 months and crossing that finish line was one of the most amazing feelings in the world!! I actually got tears in my eyes-it might have just been because I just ran 13.1 miles and I was exhausted :) but either way the sense of accomplishment was overwhelming!! :) There is something about setting a goal that only "you" can accomplish and meeting it that gives you this crazy high!! I mean I had amazing support from my husband who never complained during training and he would simply reply "how far you going today?" But I had to decide to put the shoes on...I had to decide to run when all I wanted to do was take a nap...I had to decide the pain was worth crossing that finish line!!! And when all was said and done and every step had been ran-there was no headline telling the world what "Terri Sherrard had just accomplished!" there was no announcement or a lot of people standing at the finish line to congratulate me...there was just me, (and my amazing husband of course), my sore legs, my throbbing ankles, and my Addidas gel shoes, and a lot of sweat!! But the sense of finality...the sense of success...and like I said before there was an overwhelming sense of accomplishment!! I have always loved running! The alone time...time to pray and sing songs to my Jesus (in my head of course)...time to listen to music that makes me smile or makes me think...time to put life in perspective! No matter what is going on in my life...I go for a long run...when I get back all of a sudden it is not that big of a deal! It is a source of comfort for me and a source of releasing frustrations and stress! I never imagined I would actually train for a half-marathon! 6 miles was my limit! And I had always thought after running 6 miles I cannot imagine turning around and running that again-plus one more mile!! But here I am! I done did it! Yes, I said that....I done did it!! Now to train for a marathon!! I can say that when I finished the half-marathon I thought..."I cannot imagine turning around and doing that again!" Maybe I will prove myself wrong once again....we shall see!!!