REST!!??

So during my daily time in the word tonight and writing in my journal I was overwhelmed with this burden of..."God, I have no idea how to rest in you??" I have so much on my mind....so many things I am doing...so many things I want to be...so many things I want to become...so many things I want to take care of.....and with all this rolling around in my wonderful little head :)...tonight was the night that I just stopped and thought...."I truly have no idea how to lay all of these hopes, desires, concerns, visions, and aspirations down and just rest!

This began to trouble me because I thought-- if I am being completely honest with myself this is totally a reflection of a lack of faith in my Father!! And I wanted to fight this realization because I thought "of course I have faith in God!" I know that I am nothing without HIM...I know that I can do nothing on my own and I NEED His guiding and loving hand to give me strength, discipline, and unconditional love! But I do not REST in Him (and I so desperately need rest) and I know that He can give it to me so..why do I not do this and how do I go about finding this peace??

I felt God saying you need to spend more time with me! And again I have to be totally honest...my response..."God sometimes that just feels like another thing on my to-do list!" I know...sounds terrible! At the end of the day things have just piled up and piled up and I am carry all these things around! I have strive to do my best and live every moment of the day to the fullest (working unto the Lord not unto man). Than 8:00pm comes...finally things are quiet...the kids are asleep...I fall down feeling slightly overwhelmed but confident that today was another successful and productive day but I begin to analyze- Did I do everything I should have done for that person? Did my children get enough attention? Oh, yeah I forgot to do that and catch up on that? And before I even relax the to-do list for tomorrow has already begun!! And God wants me to just spend time with Him??? My assignments for the day are not done yet? All my duties have not been fulfilled yet? My check list still has one thing left to be marked completed? REALLY?? I can't take it!!! I just need to lay all this...STUFF... down somewhere and REST!!!!!!!

To find this peace God must not become part of a check list! He must not become something to accomplish! He must not become a duty to fulfill! He has to be the beginning! He has to be everything! We must relish in His company! We must meditate on His righteousness! We must bask in His splendor! We must sit at his feet and just REST!

Can you imagine what kind of reaction I would get from my husband if I told him "I do not feel like spending time with you because my plate is so full that it is just another thing for me to do!!??" WOW!! Talk about rejection! That is saying all these other "things" are more important than you. All these other "things" are occupying my time, attention, and affection and I just cannot possibly squeeze another thing onto the schedule for today! I know that I am failing you and I know that I should just sit and be with you but maybe when things calm down we can get to that?? Rejection-rejection-rejection!

God forgive me for doing this! Continue to renew my mind and heart-- change me from the inside out--Give me REST...and he ever so gently responds......."I forgive you my child now...... Be still and KNOW that I AM GOD!!!!!"